Midnight Party

After leaving the midnight girl I wandered around and there was a huge roar above the already huge roar that was already going on when new year came by. I cant remember my exact thoughts really, but it was much better than being depressed on the bridge over the Thames where I live in the UK. My new years are usually spent at home on my own, with just a quick journey to the river for the magic moment, just so that i'm not at home in fron of my pc as usual for such an important moment. I have no life.

But after the midnight girl I was wondering around and I saw these ho's partying. I wasn't really thinking clearly really, but I said can I come in, i'll give you 50 euro for a cigarette and a bit of your time. Then I upped the offer to all of my money, I had 150 euros I think. I dont know, I was just trying to get something from those magic momnets. I haddened planned that, it just sort of happened. They agreed and took my money, but there were 5 of them and only 3 notes. Its was hardly exciting. I felt like a twat, I think I was shaking and they were hardly accomodating, but they did try. A little. I got a cigarette and a glass of champaign. I tried to make small talk, but it was difficult. I was just so aware of how boring I am and asked if anyone was making resolutions. I cant remember what they said but I said I wanted to save more money and that I already had £40k and I translated that into euros and it was about as exciting as a lead baloon really. I sort of realised that they probably didn't have any money, and its new year and i'm trying not to be a lemon and have a good time. Some of the girls sort of smiled, I think they were all in their element and could see I was in deep water. I dont know why. I was just trying to get something. Anything really. This wasn't helped by the fact that they were mostly not very pretty. They were ok in a plain sort of way, but there was no atraction.

However, I didn't notice at first but there was a really cute girl in the room that was dressed. When I noticed her everything sort of changed really. Not significantly, but she was attractive, I did want her, and that old, she could be my girlfriwnd feeling emerged and it made me sort of more uncomfortable. She said, I think I know you, I think i've fucked you before, have you been here before? I said yes. I did sort of half recognise her, but even today i'm still not sure. She said we should meet later and pointed to a window on the other side of the canal and said she would be there later. She never was. There was also a Chinese looking girl in the room. What I thin kI should have said was 150 for a lesbian show. Then I could have had their time, attention and not felt so stupid. But either way, I still got something, it was an experience, and thats what i'm after and writing it up now i'm looking back on it fondly really. I think the incredible stupidity I felt was sort of humbling really, and sort of more to the point demonstrated kind of how far gone I am. That is, so far gone in my ability to socialise. Or maybe its the power. In the ral world i'm always comfortablr with low lifes and retards, other nerds, and I dont like that, I dont like the fact that its easy talking to them. Its like I get lumbered there because I cant 'afford' or 'handle' powerful people like attractive girls or people with a life, so to speak. It was like they were too heavy to lift, and I was winging at their feet, but to me it was more symbolic of the fact that I want to throw myself at that challenge at every opportunity. But its not just that. I dont want to chat girls up, I sort of want to be frinds, and thats what ho's are, they are always familiar, you can talk to them, and your always on the same wavelength, even if its at a very crewed level. Sex is a casual currency and intimacy at a social level goes without question. It was like there was no objective for me to be there. In a pub with girls your trying to pick them up and have sex, but here I was just trying to engage in chat for chats reason. I guess you could say I was trying to pick them up spiritually, but I was not looking to go any further.

It was good really. The window was high above the pavement and the view was neat. I was not allowed in the room, I had to stand in the door. Apparently its not allowed for men to stand in the windows when the curtains are open.

I did regret giving them my money really, but I dont think that deep down I really do. Its like a felt ripped off because no miracles happened, but deep down I realise I got an experience. And considering i'm a virtual prison of my loneyly miserable life it was pretty good. Better than nothing. Something to hold on to, even though it was shaky.

I left and wandered around for a bit, but it was all to extreme really so I went beack to my hotel and crashed. I was the girls the next day, the plain looking ones and she smiled and I smiled back, but it was awkward because I didn't want to spend more money, and I walked past. Its always difficult because really, even now I wished I had gone into see my friends and laughed and enjoyed more time together, but all they would have wanted was more money. Money is always an issue really. All the girls expect you to be fre with your cash, but really, its a limite dresource and you have to control it else you r out of the game.

I still think about that pretty girl. She was dressed up like a regular person and that was really hot. I still remember how she said, I remember you, I fucked you before. It was strange really that someone remembered me, that someone remembered having sex with me. She might have been lying. I sort of recognised her, but at the same time i'm not certain. But the way she said it sort of makes me smile really, and makes it all worth while.

Oh well. ..

Heres a picture. I sort of wanted this to be an illustrated series of memoires but i'm too lazy, but i think if I do rough sketches that might work. What you'll find is that all my girls look the same, I can only draw a certain type of facial structure, but it should do. I'll only post pictures that dont totally suck, but they might not be that great as i'm only medicore at drawing.. ..